Work is nuts, but a good nuts. Since last month I have done a lot!
I was up north at our place in gorgeous Woodruff, WI for 9 days and had only one day of on and off rain. We finished up the Old Krupnik. Krupnik is a honey flavored Polish Vodka...It had been up there for years and let me tell you, burned your nose hairs when you smelled it! So strong! The boys brought it on and I stood up to the plate and downed it. I am part Polish, remember? And me likey Vodka. It was so nice to live in sundresses and sweats and no makeup the whole trip...except to the casino.. you never know what toothless studs you'll find lurking around the slots looking for spare change. Ok, I like Casinos, get over it!
So after up north we came back for a few days then went out to Los Angeles. We did the Fashion District which is a few block's from my sister's apartment and that was fab! I talked all of these bitches down in prices by saying "oh forget it, i saw it across the street for $10 less" and would start walking away and then they'd bite. Yes, my brain is very big. I also got to meet Candis Cayne from Dirty, Sexy Money and hand deliver her a package of clothes from Fred. She was super sweet and said how gorgeous i was ;) So nice! She's so beautiful in person!
So here comes the dirt. On the flight home.... oh Jesus help us.
So it starts off by our ride not being able to take us to the airport and Katie and I calling 800 different cabbies, limo drivers, shuttles and the Amish horse and buggies. Anything to get a ride to the damn airport... So finally we get one and on the way I just feel sick. I start sweating, I feel like I am going to faint, I feel gagging coming on... My stomach hurts horribly. TRAFFIC. JOY! So we finally get to the airport ACE driver is trying to copy the credit card with a crayon, yep that's what we had to settle for kids. And meanwhile I am unloading the 6 suitcases and 3 carry on bags from the back. The door is flying open into traffic, my mom starts laughing at which point I throw a fit and say "OK JUST STAND THERE AND LAUGH AT ME WHILE I'M DODGING SUITCASES, DON'T HELP OR ANYTHING!" She pays no attention to my fit and smirks and looks away. Mind you i felt like shit. So we get in line to weigh our bags. I seriously at this point am like dying hardcore. The dumb hippie bitch in front of us is confused on how to pick her suitcase donned in leopard print because her coke bottle glasses are so large she can not comprehend the scale. At this point my sister whips coke glasses McGee's luggage onto the scale for her. The airline woman says oh isn't that nice, which Katie replies, yes so nice that i want to keep the line moving! We were cranky. Did I mention it was the red eye leaving at 12:19 am! So at this point i am almost in tears. My mom goes to put in the confirmation number and i notice when she is done punching it in she used an O instead of a zero. Awesome. My mom and sister laughed at my tantrum and said just go to the bathroom. Which i screamed through my teeth, I'm talking like tight teeth scream, I CANT SHE DIDN'T CHECK MY FUCKING ID YET AND THIS BITCH IS TAKING FOREVER. At this point another airline person called us into her line. So i put my first suitcase on. 56lbs. AWESOME, now i am about to die and i have to shift 6lbs of items into another suitcase. Reweigh.. 51 lbs. "Ma'am, you still have to shift a pound." "FUCK" So we reshift.. finally 49 lbs. We get the second one on... 52 lbs. I show the woman my ID, dropped everything and i just ran to the bathroom. After I was on my way back i realize I have the suitcase sticker on my dress! OF COURSE! They say no big deal, I say tell that to me when my suitcase is in Panama.
So fine. We get into the TSA long ass line at LAX and here the sweating and pukey feeling comes on again. So we are almost at the screening when some Argentinian rock star comes through and all the Spanish bitches in front of us are going nuts, whipping out their digitals, screaming his name, running their Spanish speaking tongue. OF COURSE! So we get through and again I drop all my stuff and run to the bathroom. AWESOME!
Ok we get on the plane right away. It took us an hour to get through luggage and TSA. So I sit down in the aisle, window seat... bonus... However as I am trying to go across 2 seats to get to mine and the ass clown in front of my seat has his seat reclined already. REALLY? The plane just started boarding 2 min ago and you're in recline position Batman? He gives me a dirty look for ramming his chair. Seriously? Seriously! So my mom is seated next to me and the plane is ready to go except our last passenger in front of us. A 8 month old baby. ON A RED EYE! COME ON! The kid cries for a good 40 minutes. This lady is bouncing the kid around like it is training for the rodeo. Stick something in its mouth at this point and call it a day! Nope, keeps bouncing it. AWESOME.
So then we have buzz light year and his rocket boots behind me kicking my chair. And he continues to click and unclick his seat belt for about 15 minutes. No joke. I finally turned around and said REALLY?!? And the mom finally scolded him. Great parenting. Ok so we are trying to fall asleep with crying baby.. no such luck. So finally the kid shuts it and Miss 350 lb lady decides she will hack her lungs ever 2 minutes for the duration of the 3 hour flight. AWESOME! I was crawling out of my skin at this point. My mom offered me muscle relaxers, I took the bait. However muscle relaxers aren't as effective as a half a bottle of vodka. I couldn't sleep! Both of us at the end starting giggling because the flight was so ridiculous and we were zombified. Did I mention it was 5:40 am at this point and we had to catch a connecting flight in MN. Oh yeah, I must have forgot that... 5:51am we land, board for Milwaukee at 7:00. Am drooling on the plane from sleeping at 7:20. And i never drool. Needless to say I will NEVER take a red eye again. Unless I have no other choice. SUCKS!
I have no favorite word of the week. Maybe it will be ass clown? I blogged enough for today. I will try to keep up as I have SO much to talk about in one blog. For now I will leave you with my fav. video of the week. See you at the polls bitches!
If you haven't seen step brothers... go see it now! I almost peed my pants!
"This house is a prison, On Planet Bullshit, In the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks."
Why I wasn't a comedy writer is beyond me...
See more Will Ferrell videos at Funny or Die
xoxo
-Miss Jackson
