Red Eye, More like I'll kick your ass if you don't shut it!

WORD, to your muthaaaa! I know... bitch, whine, cry and slap yourself.... I've been busy with work that I haven't blogged in a hot minute. So I'm back. There is so much to chit chat about so it may be a long one...

Work is nuts, but a good nuts. Since last month I have done a lot!

I was up north at our place in gorgeous Woodruff, WI for 9 days and had only one day of on and off rain. We finished up the Old Krupnik. Krupnik is a honey flavored Polish Vodka...It had been up there for years and let me tell you, burned your nose hairs when you smelled it! So strong! The boys brought it on and I stood up to the plate and downed it. I am part Polish, remember? And me likey Vodka. It was so nice to live in sundresses and sweats and no makeup the whole trip...except to the casino.. you never know what toothless studs you'll find lurking around the slots looking for spare change. Ok, I like Casinos, get over it!

So after up north we came back for a few days then went out to Los Angeles. We did the Fashion District which is a few block's from my sister's apartment and that was fab! I talked all of these bitches down in prices by saying "oh forget it, i saw it across the street for $10 less" and would start walking away and then they'd bite. Yes, my brain is very big. I also got to meet Candis Cayne from Dirty, Sexy Money and hand deliver her a package of clothes from Fred. She was super sweet and said how gorgeous i was ;) So nice! She's so beautiful in person!

So here comes the dirt. On the flight home.... oh Jesus help us.
So it starts off by our ride not being able to take us to the airport and Katie and I calling 800 different cabbies, limo drivers, shuttles and the Amish horse and buggies. Anything to get a ride to the damn airport... So finally we get one and on the way I just feel sick. I start sweating, I feel like I am going to faint, I feel gagging coming on... My stomach hurts horribly. TRAFFIC. JOY! So we finally get to the airport ACE driver is trying to copy the credit card with a crayon, yep that's what we had to settle for kids. And meanwhile I am unloading the 6 suitcases and 3 carry on bags from the back. The door is flying open into traffic, my mom starts laughing at which point I throw a fit and say "OK JUST STAND THERE AND LAUGH AT ME WHILE I'M DODGING SUITCASES, DON'T HELP OR ANYTHING!" She pays no attention to my fit and smirks and looks away. Mind you i felt like shit. So we get in line to weigh our bags. I seriously at this point am like dying hardcore. The dumb hippie bitch in front of us is confused on how to pick her suitcase donned in leopard print because her coke bottle glasses are so large she can not comprehend the scale. At this point my sister whips coke glasses McGee's luggage onto the scale for her. The airline woman says oh isn't that nice, which Katie replies, yes so nice that i want to keep the line moving! We were cranky. Did I mention it was the red eye leaving at 12:19 am! So at this point i am almost in tears. My mom goes to put in the confirmation number and i notice when she is done punching it in she used an O instead of a zero. Awesome. My mom and sister laughed at my tantrum and said just go to the bathroom. Which i screamed through my teeth, I'm talking like tight teeth scream, I CANT SHE DIDN'T CHECK MY FUCKING ID YET AND THIS BITCH IS TAKING FOREVER. At this point another airline person called us into her line. So i put my first suitcase on. 56lbs. AWESOME, now i am about to die and i have to shift 6lbs of items into another suitcase. Reweigh.. 51 lbs. "Ma'am, you still have to shift a pound." "FUCK" So we reshift.. finally 49 lbs. We get the second one on... 52 lbs. I show the woman my ID, dropped everything and i just ran to the bathroom. After I was on my way back i realize I have the suitcase sticker on my dress! OF COURSE! They say no big deal, I say tell that to me when my suitcase is in Panama.

So fine. We get into the TSA long ass line at LAX and here the sweating and pukey feeling comes on again. So we are almost at the screening when some Argentinian rock star comes through and all the Spanish bitches in front of us are going nuts, whipping out their digitals, screaming his name, running their Spanish speaking tongue. OF COURSE! So we get through and again I drop all my stuff and run to the bathroom. AWESOME!

Ok we get on the plane right away. It took us an hour to get through luggage and TSA. So I sit down in the aisle, window seat... bonus... However as I am trying to go across 2 seats to get to mine and the ass clown in front of my seat has his seat reclined already. REALLY? The plane just started boarding 2 min ago and you're in recline position Batman? He gives me a dirty look for ramming his chair. Seriously? Seriously! So my mom is seated next to me and the plane is ready to go except our last passenger in front of us. A 8 month old baby. ON A RED EYE! COME ON! The kid cries for a good 40 minutes. This lady is bouncing the kid around like it is training for the rodeo. Stick something in its mouth at this point and call it a day! Nope, keeps bouncing it. AWESOME.

So then we have buzz light year and his rocket boots behind me kicking my chair. And he continues to click and unclick his seat belt for about 15 minutes. No joke. I finally turned around and said REALLY?!? And the mom finally scolded him. Great parenting. Ok so we are trying to fall asleep with crying baby.. no such luck. So finally the kid shuts it and Miss 350 lb lady decides she will hack her lungs ever 2 minutes for the duration of the 3 hour flight. AWESOME! I was crawling out of my skin at this point. My mom offered me muscle relaxers, I took the bait. However muscle relaxers aren't as effective as a half a bottle of vodka. I couldn't sleep! Both of us at the end starting giggling because the flight was so ridiculous and we were zombified. Did I mention it was 5:40 am at this point and we had to catch a connecting flight in MN. Oh yeah, I must have forgot that... 5:51am we land, board for Milwaukee at 7:00. Am drooling on the plane from sleeping at 7:20. And i never drool. Needless to say I will NEVER take a red eye again. Unless I have no other choice. SUCKS!

I have no favorite word of the week. Maybe it will be ass clown? I blogged enough for today. I will try to keep up as I have SO much to talk about in one blog. For now I will leave you with my fav. video of the week. See you at the polls bitches!

If you haven't seen step brothers... go see it now! I almost peed my pants!
"This house is a prison, On Planet Bullshit, In the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks."
Why I wasn't a comedy writer is beyond me...

See more Will Ferrell videos at Funny or Die

xoxo
-Miss Jackson

Gravity

I am kind of somber this week due to family issues and the death of one of my favorite bartenders at Flannerys. It just puts things into perspective. At any time your life could be up. I think back of how many decisions I have made that could have gotten me killed, from being irresponsible to down right foolish. But at every moment you aren't supposed to be thinking of death as your consequence.

For all of my friends that know me, know that i have an EXTREMELY hard time with death and I get bad anxiety. I just cannot explain it. And I cannot stop thinking of Mel. Thinking that I just saw her Wednesday and Thursday night. After the John Mayer concert we begged her to put some John on the Ipod and she didn't think twice about it. (Although she thought twice about Cheryl's Hannah Montana request) Now every time i hear Gravity i will think of her. Every time I have a strong Grey Goose and Seltzer i will think of her. In fact we went in Saturday night and I go to the front bar, she is not there, go to the back bar, she is not there. So we figure she has a night off. Until 15 minutes later we get hit with the news. Yes, I get it bartenders aren't peoples closest friends, some may think I am over emotional. But they are people you look forward to talking with and seeing when you go out and socialize with your friends. They are people who listen to your bullshit no matter what. They are people that make your day that much better with a nice strong cocktail to take the edge off. And in the end, they are people. They are some one's mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, etc. Any loss of human life is devastating. Especially when it hits close to home and someone your age. Thinking, when is it my turn. When is my time up...

I can't get into my normal comical mindset. I have cried way too much this weekend and have to get amped back up. In time my little puffins. In time....

-Miss Jackson

PS Make everyday count.

PPS Don't take the people you have for granted and appreciate what you do have, not what you're searching for.


Gravity
John Mayer

Gravity
Is working against me
And gravity
Wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know
What makes this man
With all the love
That his heart can stand
Dream of ways
To throw it all away

Oh Gravity
Is working against me
And gravity
Wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much
Ain’t twice as good
And can't sustain
Like one half could
It's wanting more
gonna send me to my knees

instrumental

Oh twice as much
Ain’t twice as good
And can't sustain
Like one half could
It's wanting more
gonna send me to my knees

Oh gravity
Stay the hell away from me
Oh gravity
Has taken better men than me
Now how can that be?

Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C’mon keep me where the light is
C’mon keep me where the light is
C’mon keep me where keep me where the light is

Blogging is the new Black

SO the rumors are true, I haven't blogged in weeks! How people do it daily as a hobby is beyond me. I barely have time to floss my teeth. Ok, I lied. I just don't floss unless something is stuck. Don't hate! 85% of people don't floss! I hate when at the dentist and the dreaded question comes "How often do you floss" I want to turn and spit my blood at the assistant and say OBVIOUSLY NOT A LOT IF MY GUMS ARE BLEEDING ACE! Now that I don't have dental insurance at the moment, I have my own personal, after hours dental assistant that doesn't ask me the obvious questions!

Soon enough insurance will be had, until then don't injure me. Thanks.

Favorite Word (of the week): Coin Purse. I was watching Family Guy and it is the episode where Stewie wants to swim faster and Chris suggests to shave. Brian catches Stewie naked and asks him if it would be totally inappropriate to ask him to shave his "Coin Purse"
Yes it is an old one, but it still makes me giggle. For those who don't know.... Get Familiar: Coin Purse* = ball sack, testes, nut sack. So at work this week around my 2 (Male) Fred bosses I've used coin purse on multiple occasions. They didnt catch on until about the 10th time I said it. One Boss and I were sitting in the back office marketing and the other was bringing in wine for Martini Night at the store... I made a reference to massage the coin purse and relax a little just as the Wine Carrier walks in he says "You two need to stop with your ridiculous marketing schemes for giveaways and freebies, here give away the GodDamn microwave and call it a day." And the other owner chimes in and says "Jackie, come on would women really even use a coin purse, how many women do you see at a bar say Oh, Wait let me get my money out of my coin purse." At this point I start dying of laughter and call them both idiots and explain to them the Coin Purse. At which point everyone starts tearing up. Had to be there.

*I had to pull out the asterisk because I was looking on UrbanDictionary.com (My mom's new favorite reference site when I say "gangster girl" talk to her) and Coin Purse's definition is as follows: Term used to describe the male nutsack. AS OPPOSED TO WHAT?!?!?! THE FEMALE NUTSACK!?!?!?! WTF... I love urban dictionary. So Curt and I were in a deep convo (an important one as you will see) and we were arguing the definition of a Cleavland Steamer. We were in the car and I knew my mom was at home so I made her go to google and type it in for clarification. (So she is the genius that discovered Urban Dictionary). So here she is on speaker: Ok Jack, I found it, Sick. Don't make me read it. Ok I'll read it:

When after having engaged in intercourse the male or female lets his/her partner fall asleep. Then he/she takes a crap on his/her chest and run away There were tears in my eyes at this point because she began to gag after the 3rd definition. Hahahaha. I still remember it til this day. So here is my fav. "Urban Dictionary" definition at the moment (also remember they use all terms in a sentence!): 1. Dick Amnesia When a girl ignores all her other friends because she either has a new boyfriend or because her boyfriend is around. Female version of vag amnesia. Jessie's boyfriend came home from school and now she has total dick amnesia. So now I will leave you with an oldie but a goodie.... Representin' the Milwaukee Film Festival! Love and kisses! -Jackson

I'm a Busy Bee... Buzz baby, buzz

Bees remind me of Jimmy, Mtv's own iconic cab driver.

You say bees and Jimmy? How do they relate? Because Jimmy the Cab Driver did a parody of Blind Melon's No Rain....


Favorite Word (of the week): Shim. I haven't used shim in awhile. However lately the shims have been coming out (no pun intended) since the weather is warmer. Get familiar: A Shim is a She and a Him, a crossdresser, a transexual which Christian from Project Runway says "Hot Tranny Mess." Following me? Ok, i'm glad I could clarify that. So at the Sex and the City event for Fred yesterday, the crowd is getting hyped up and our host was finally announced, we had a host who was a Carrie Bradshaw shim with the hottest legs. At some point I turned to Kelly in awe and said, Shim's legs are fucking hot and I am jelly-oso (jealous), she said "I was thinking the same thing, what a bitch." Which reminds me of a story of a shim sighting 2 years ago when I was fragrance modeling at Boston Store. A super hot shim was standing at the Perscriptives counter in a short, form fitting white dress. Now if you aren't familiar with the Perscriptives counter, it is all white and illuminated from within the case. At first all of us were guessing in amazement because this shim had fabulous legs, body and makeup. This shim was more beautiful than most women! Once the shim started to lean and look at lipsticks, I could see a definite sack hanging in the shadow of the white dress, clearly shim was pulling a Britney. At least invest in some panties. Be a lady Sah-weetie.

Speaking of Britney, I (meaning my mom) took out my extensions on Tuesday because I had an appointment to get my hair did on Wednesday. Well CLEARLY you cannot get your hair cut and colored with extensions in, even Grandma and her BFF Rose know that. So let me tell you about the (John) Awesome process..... So I somehow weasel my mom into helping me telling her it will only take maybe an hour and a half tops. Ha, I guess my brain wasn't very big. So the tone of the time was 7:09pm... we begin by her taking 5 minutes on the first one... well skip to 10:14 ( i know the time to the exact moment because i was sitting on the ground looking at the clock on the stove and my neck was killing me and I kept whining to the point where my mom said take a vicodin or a shot already). So yessss the extensions are out, so i was so excited to wash my hair without having the weave in. Well little did I know there were chunks of glue. Skip to 11:40 and I'm still in the shower, crying at this point because my scalp was sooo red from trying to comb this glue out. Imagine someone chewing 5 packs of bubblicious and then squeezing it into your roots of your hair.. Amazing! So my mom knocks on the door and asks how its going, i scream on the top of my lungs " HOW DO YOU THINK ITS GOING, I'VE BEEN IN THE FUCKING SHOWER FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. ITS GOING GREAT, I'VE JUST BEEN STANDING IN HERE RUBBING ONE OUT!" at which point I started to cry again and she began to laugh at me and my tantrum. So she gave me a towel and there the two of us were brushing my glue out, great bonding time. At one point she started laughing and asked if I wanted her to try peanut butter. I just gave her the evil eye and she continued to giggle. FINALLY at midnight I was in bed with a wet head and sore scalp.

I'm not going to lie, I can TOTALLY see why Brit went balls to the walls and shaved her head. It is not cool. Would I do it again? probably... i looked in the mirror and mourned for my non existent long flowing, amazing, beautiful, human (horse) hair. I can see how these bitches get addicted to it. It's like instant glam.

Whats on tap for the weekend you ask? Kiss Klose Up w/ Natasha Beddingfield and I'm going to your good old fashioned, every body's favorite Combat Theater tomorrow. Drinks will definitely be up in the mix, so ladies and gents be prepared to be drunk dialed. That's one feature I wish was not on phones...inbox and outbox, outgoing and incoming calls. Well only on drunken nights of course. I wish you could punch in a code on nights you go out so you cant look through it the next morning and put your hand on your head, shaking it and feeling like a total ass wipe. I always say to people who buy me a shot... are you sure you want to? I cant be responsible for the actions that take place later.. Jackie turns into Wackie.... What can I say once the Goldschlagger hits your lips, IT'S SOOOO GOOD!

So what this post was going to be about originally got a little off track... SHOCKING.. But with the new position with Fred Boutique, I've been a super busy bee but I LOVE it. There are SOO many things I'm going to have my hand in and I finally feel like this is it. So check out www.fredboutique.com SPREAD THE WORD!!!!!


Until then I leave you with my fav. music video of the week...


Peace and Hair Grease
-Miss Jackson

PS. Don't forget to check out www.fredboutique.com

PPS. Don't forget to put on panties

You know what they say....

Everybody is blogging THESE DAYS! Even Grandma and her BFF Rose! So who am I not to be in the "in crowd" and go with the majority, because majority rules right?!? So here it goes ladies and gents. Sit back, crack a brewski, turn on some tunes and pick into the brain of Miss Jackson. But only if you're nasty of course..... Cuz mama didn't raise no fool!

Favorite Word (of the week): Bagel Bumper. Maybe this is just a word that PI HI XI used. I introduced it to my fellow fragrance sprayers, at work of course. But I CANNOT believe how many characters this day and age that do not know this word. Its amazing to me. It's like someone screaming GFY at me and me being dumbfounded. Well apparently not everyone knows GFY either. Its a term Cheryl made up in college at some point and I use it when working, constantly. Get Familiar: GFY means GO FUCK YOURSELF. It's instant gratification because the person you're saying it to has no comeback, and victory is yours.

Which reminds me...
Isn't it crazy how lingo develops. When I was younger I was fascinated at how different languages evolved. But if you think about it, your whole posse has their own lingo. Like Snoop D O double G has his izzle language and that pig latin shit that some diesel dorf came up with on the playground because no one else would talk to him so he had to create his own fucked up backwords nonsense... that I still never understand. Everyone adapts to their surroundings and have a level of comfort speaking certain things. When I say the word Fuck in front of my Grandma she screams "Jacqueline!" and thats not even my real name. Its her made up french name for me when I'm in trouble. Just like when I hear "JACKIE ANNE" I know the evil eye is coming at a moment's notice from my mother. I'm still a fan of WTF around older people because 9 times out of 10 they say: What is WTF. And I will keep repeating it until they ask, purely for my enjoyment.

And don't give me the line ladies aren't supposed to swear. Yes, I swear a lot but I've calmed down since my high school days of bumpin' Master P's "Make Em Say UHHHHH" song in the "Hoo-Ride." (We will get into the "Hoo-Ride in a future blog) Rap music made me do it. I was a Catholic School girl for 12 years and sometimes swearing was liberating. Where the hell was this WTF and GFY when I was a younger. Instead I opted for sticking up my ring finger at my sister in hopes that she would tell on me for flipping her the middle. And my response would be NO I DIDN'T, SHE'S LYING! And its not like I was lying, I was just stretching the truth.

I am SO very excited, I have been Dwellified!!!!


Mister Dwellephant himself (www.dwellephant.com) made me and the rest of the Fantastic Four into Monsters!!!!! It's SOOO amazing and I was truly touched. Milan aka Dwellephant has been bugged by me for some time now (well since he made talie and dori's monkey dracula painting) to make me into something. In fact at his las live art show at Moct, which was also my bday night, i bother him while he was painting and said "Hey cant you like add a weave or some eyelashes to that girl" his response was GFY. No, not really. I keed, I keed. But he promised me one at a later date and last night it was revealed! It's amazing! I haven't been caricatured since 1989 at Disney World where i had a french braid, mickey ears and running through Epcot with a balloon... I'll have to search the attic for the one. Im SURE Renee still has that.

Alright well that wraps it up for the eve. Thanks for listening (reading) to me ramble. Until next time....

Nighty Night, Keep your Butthole Tight!

-Miss Jackson
aka Jackie, Jax, Wackie, JC Money, Cracker Jax, Binks, Jackson-Hole, etc.

PS Look for the launch of www.fredboutique.com June 1st!!!!! I will write more on this coming up as the launch is approaching!!!!

PPS If you know me and would like me to blog something hit me up homeslice!
Myspace: www.myspace.com/gapgirl294 We fly high, No Lie ,You know this (BALLIN!)

PBS Cool for watching Sesame Street and Antiques Roadshow